5 Tips for Taking on the Corona-Virus Psychosis

The Storm Alert's Joey Schafer Offers Advice On How to Fiddle While Rome Burns.

All of these are jokes, which apparently you can be thrown in jail for, so uh, no snitching.

 

    1. Make sure to utilize socksygen masks. What is a socksygen mask? For those who don’t know already, there is a widespread shortage of medical masks and ordinary face masks for public use. Luckily, there is a solution! Simply place your least favorite pair of socks in your mouth, preferably well worn ones, with lots of holes for breathing and get to breathing in the new, fresh, contaminant-free air. 
    2. A Ouija board can certainly spook up some fun! Just summon any discontented spirits that may live in your home. If you want to summon these spirits, the best way to do so is singing the Frozen soundtrack, as loud as possible in your empty home. This provocation is escalated if you stand on top of a chair and bang pots and pans together along with the rhythm of the songs. This should have rank and file demons ready to play your game, or do anything to stop the wretched sound…music. 
  1. 3. Make your own flamethrower! For this all you need is toilet paper, hand sanitizer, Lysol, and a lighter. I do know that there have been shortages of the aforementioned items, and you may want to ration these reasonably. Trust me, you don’t want to do that. When the flames creep up to the ceiling, you will forget all about the rations, the stockpiling, and even the public health crisis! To make an effective target for your new flamethrower, douse the toilet paper in hand sanitizer. This will create higher flames! Higher flames=Less virus anxiety! After you have your pile of soaked toilet paper, raise your can of Lysol and begin spraying towards your target. Finally, raise the flame of the lighter into the Lysol stream. Make sure to use a candle lighter to protect your hands from the flamethrower. We are all about safety here at the Storm Alert. By the time the blades of fire are licking away at the roof and emergency first responders have to save you from your little game instead of helping the elderly and vulnerable, you will have forgotten completely about the pandemic. And you can finally say you made your very own flamethrower, while making S’mores inside your home? Sounds like the perfect day to me!
  2. 4. You can post a picture of you when you were younger and caption it “Until Tomorrow”! Why? It doesn’t matter! It’s fun. It’s definitely not a part of a wide ranging conspiracy to document the development of the human face so the lizards that live under the Earth’s crust and run the World Bank, Wall Street, and every Fortune 500 company, and even the spokes-“person” for Geico, can better adapt their skin to look more like us. No, no it’s a cool trend! Tomorrow is not the day when all the lizards in the pet store riot, take power, and join the human race as a ruling class that still has to overcome the desire to compulsively lick their eyeballs. Nope, people just delete the embarrassing photos the next day. What a funny joke! People posting pictures and comments on the internet that don’t make them seem like the most attractive, funny, or avant-garde version of themselves? Dope!
  3. 5. Grocery stores can be hot-beds for the COVID-19 breakout. But people may have found themselves in a predicament similar to mine. You stock up on 3 weeks worth of fun foods, snacks, and treats, but you don’t really ration it. So your supply of food that should last 3 weeks, ends up lasting about 3 hours into the Netflix binge session. But, no need to fear. Fortunately, your neighbors were more responsible than you. Their house has significantly fewer people coming in and out than the grocery store and you won’t have to play. I call this strategy the “Petty Misdemeanor Burglary”. For this plan you will need a flashlight (if at night), a lockpick set, or a hammer, and a Trader Joe’s reusable grocery sack (to save the Earth, of course). Pick a neighbor who went out despite all of the public warnings, that way you can morally justify what you’re about to do. Plus, they won’t be at home, which makes this whole process a lot simpler. Simply. Pick the lock or break down the front door, go to their fridge, fill up your bag with groceries and go home, to your couch where you can go back to watching your favorite Netflix true crime miniseries. If you tried the flamethrower game, which I, of course, highly recommend, you will not be going back to your house. You might just be better off declaring squatter’s rights once you’ve committed “Petty Misdemeanor Burglary”.

Stay safe out there, and don’t try this at home!

Not that you could even try it anywhere else!