Suing Democracy

A Satire

My November was going great until November 7th. Many Patriots like myself were outraged that the radical, Marxist, Communist, isosceles, anarchist, reverse racism loving, Joe Biden won the electoral college. Now normally I’m in favor of the electoral college, because quite frankly I find it awesome that minorities in cities have their votes count as 1/4th of a white person in Wyoming. However, how is it possible that someone who happened to win the popular vote by a measly 7.059,741 votes was also able to win our sacred system. While over half of America celebrated, logical white men like myself decided to do what was right: Suing Democracy.

Donald Quixote: An Editorial Cartoon by Caleb Langewisch

We all need to acknowledge our friends down South (Not Mexico), Texas. Texas committed an act of bravery by standing up to states like Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Georgia. Now these four states should not have flipped to Biden. For starters, it doesn’t make sense that people in inner cities were able to vote because historically we have been able to change polling locations last minute . I also have a first hand anecdote I heard from my cousin who lived in Wisconsin who claimed that he saw Antifa dig up 176 bodies out of a graveyard and took them to the polling locations. Listen, I didn’t register to vote or bother learning how long it takes to get registered, but my 1.5 years of high school education lead me to a conclusion that dead people are voting.

The president in my eyes, Donald Trump, should have had more mail in votes than Joe Biden. Just because Donald Trump told his supporters to not mail in their votes and opt to vote the old fashioned way, I’m not convinced that encouraging supporters not to mail in their votes would account for his lower mail in vote total. Democrats mailing in ballots at such a high rate just doesn’t make sense. What makes 2020 different from any other year? Did it just so happen that more soy boy liberals were just scared to go outside to get dunked on by red blooded Americans like myself? Only conclusion I could create.

Finding out the United States Supreme Court threw away this case is a travesty. Once the popular vote wins what’s next? People not getting publicly executed on the streets? Not in my America. Joe Biden might be my president, but he’ll never be my dad.